Vent time...

So this is going to come out as a pretty bitchy post, but I cannot help it. I need to get this out. I want it to be okay for me to have a bad day and okay for me to be sad sometimes. I am tired of pretending that I don't miss him every single second of every single day, because I DO! I know I have to be strong and blah blah blah, but really some days it just sucks! Today is one of those days and for no particular reason. Nothing is different from yesterday to today. I still got up and went to work, went home and let Daisy out, ate lunch, came back and finished work, & went home. It is exactly the same day as yesterday, but today I just feel like crying because I want him home. It is one of those days where I ask my self "Why the hell are we doing this?" I am trying to remind my self of all the whys, there are so many whys and all of them are great whys.

I guess I am feeling down because I know this is just the beginning. There are going to be much much worse days in the future. I know that this time next year he will have just left or be getting ready to leave on our first deployment, how am I going to feel then? I guess I need to focus on today and not look into the future to much, but deployment is a lingering thought in the back of my mind. It just hovers back there waiting to sneak up on me.

I don't want to be the whiny, crying, wife that everyone bitches about and wishes would just shut up. I really don't want to be that person, but when I am not that person I feel like I am "acting," if that makes sense. I feel like I am in a play and I am pretending to be strong and pretending to be happy. I told Jeff before he left that he needs to take his personal time to study for his Soldier of the Cycle board so don't worry about writing me any letters. Why, oh why did I tell him this? I mean I know why I told him, it is because he wants Soldier of the Cycle so bad. He wants to be the Honor Soldier, he wants that promotion that comes with it, he wants to be honored at graduation, he wants to march his company onto the field on graduation day, but most of all he want me to be in the front row seated in the VIP section for families of soldiers who are being honored on graduation day. So with me knowing all this why am I now regretting telling him not to write. I know why it is because I am selfish, I am selfish.

It is kinda like in the movies when you see a good angel on one shoulder and a bad angel on the other. I feel like I have a good angel and a bad angel setting on my shoulders. One is telling me to be strong, suck it up, and is telling me there is nothing to bitch about, you can do this!! The other lil' angel is sitting there telling me this sucks, it is only going to get worse, you are not strong, you need him here, cry lil' baby, CRY!!

All in all I need to remind myself of all the whys and of how proud I am of him for choosing this life. I need to keep all the positive things in my head and focus on the good that will come of all this. I need to do these things and I will do these things..... tomorrow. Because today I don't want to, but tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be better and tomorrow will be one day closer to him coming home.